Battling Self Image: Evoluntion of a Lie

You hear and see how women are subjected to an unrealistic standard of perfection through media—movies, photos, magazines, online.

Images of what they are supposed to be.

So how do these models, actors and musician become (false) perfection?
By technology.
Not new elliptical trainers or scientific diets, but by computers.

Watch this short video with your daughters and ask them if they ever suspected such perfection wasn’t real.

Do you hear what she's trying to say?

Do you know what is going inside you daughters head?
Is she having trouble at school, home or work?
How are her relationships with other?
What about boys?
Do you feel she is drawing inward?
All are cries for help?

Have you looked at yourself, maybe, just maybe, you might be at fault?
You as a father will have an impact. Positive or Negative.
Which are you fostering?
There's always time to make positive changes.




Does Anybody Hear Her by Casting Crowns
She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

If judgment looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we've never even met her

If judgment looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we've never even met her

If Judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we've never even met her

Never even met her
(Never Even Met her)

(OHHHHH)Does anybody hear her? Does anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me

Does anybody hear her? (Does anybody hear her?) Does anybody see? (Does anybody See?)
Does anybody even know she's going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeple (shadow of her steeple)
With all the lost and lonely people (Lost and Lonely people)
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Does anybody see?

He is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction

Redefining Beautiful

Check out this new book by Jenna Lucado (Max Lucado's daughter).
It's about inner beauty and the relationship with a father and daughter.

How much Miley is too much?

Princess Aurora, Cinderella, Hannah Montana, Tinkerbell.
They are all being mass marketed at your daughter and your wallet. I admit we have plenty of items with their smiling faces.

But how much is too much?

I have a friend who doesn’t buy any of that so his daughter will not be a poster board for Mattel or Disney. I completely understand that logic. Everything I ever bought from NorthFace, I immediately took a black Sharpie and colored in the large white logo most satellites can see.

Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana is not a role model, nor is there a likely chance your daughter will be a princess (to anyone but you).

The fact BillyRay’s daughter is singing and giving my daughter a muse is powerful. A princess looking for true love is life lesson I hope my daughter will understand. These two things give my daughter hope and expectations for her future. They help her dream. And at a young age, children need to be dreamers, letting their imaginations wonder, play and create.

To paraphrase Uncle Buck… “I don’t think I want to know a kid who’s not a dreamer or a silly heart.”

As a father, you need to know what your kids are watching, reading, hearing and how much. Garbage in equals garbage out. Too much of just about anything can be bad, especially TV.
Your daughter’s mind is very naïve to the world, so you must be the gatekeeper. Protect her, but give her room to grow.

In doing so, find things that ignite her mind. Songs. Stories. Movies. Paintings. Music. Dance. Sports. Hiking. Wild Flowers. Books.

These are what will foster her dreams. Dreams for play. Dreams for her future.

Your Words to Her: Life or Death

“Words as weapons sharper than knives
Makes you wonder how the other half die”
INXS “Devil Inside”

“Do you lose sleep at night
Do you ever stop to think
Where it went wrong for you
Who turned your reds to blue
Who put those tiny daggers in your heart”
INXS “Tiny Daggers”

As men it is hard for us to completely understand the way a women thinks, how her emotions work. (That’s no revelation.)
Now think about how a maturing woman, a girl, understands it. We are still behind.

So, how do we as fathers try to help in raising our daughter when we don’t even understand how she works?

One of the obvious ways is our words.

Are your words positive?
Are your words encouraging?
Are your words edifying?
Are your words full of life?

Or do your words breathe death, killing her spirit and happiness from within?

We can build up our daughters with praise and encouraging words every day. There should always be an “I love you” spoken to your daughter before the sun goes down. There should be an acknowledgement of goods deeds and actions. Condolences for let downs. And make sure you answer her multitude of questions with a smile (unless you are six hours into a road trip, then ask to play the quiet game). And you need to be asking questions of her. Engage.

Your words let your daughter know you are paying attention to her life. Your words show her there is a relationship between you. It is the quality of the words that tells her what kind of relationship you want it to be. Hopefully, it is a nurturing relationship. Not controlling, narcissistic, passive or indifferent.

Now, I am not saying make up stuff and act like everything is OK, when it might not be. That is when how we speak is important.

I’m one of the black & white type of thinkers. I can be short and blunt. My wife has repeated these words to me several times, “it’s not what you say it’s how you say it.”

Yes, your daughter needs to be disciplined at times, but not belittled and frightened.
Watch your tone and if you have a big voice like me, watch the volume.

Don’t be sarcastic or demeaning.

Never call her a name, those daggers will lodge in her tender heart.

Your words will be remembered. Make them good memories.

(As my wife proofed this, she gave me the raised eyebrow, letting me know I need to be paying attention to my own words, written and spoken.)

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire…

Have you ever gotten drunk?
Have you ever smoked pot?
When was the first time you had sex?

Oh, the questions you have to answer if you actually talk with your daughters.
The time between those questions and “who’s your favorite Backyardigan or Disney Princess?” is not that far apart.
Kids in middle school are experimenting with the reality behind those inquiries.

So, how do you answer them?
With the truth.
It's an integrity issue. Besides, she will eventually discover the truth if you lie now. You also need to answer in a way appropriate for your daughter's age. And if you just happen to be standing in line at WalMart when she asks, you can wait—but don't put it off too long.

For some, answering the questions might be hard, because you don’t want your daughter to realize you might have been one of the naughty boys you are trying to keep away from her. But honesty is the best policy.

It’s not about do-as-I-say-not-as-I-did, but about explaining right and wrong. That you did make mistakes and how that impacted your life. Consequences—all actions have them. Yes, the what-ifs are a bit different than when we were young—STDs, guns, date rape, pregnancy, etc. Sure, those things were around, but not as prevalent back then. Let her know you don’t want her to suffer from wrong choices she can avoid.

As you prepare for this discussion—which will be spontaneous, so watch out—be ready to answer the loaded question: “Did you regret doing any of those things?”

Ouch.

How do you answer that one honestly? For some, negative consequences make this answer easy. And a very good learning opportunity.

But for others who “partied like it was 1999” and didn’t get hurt, here’s a suggestion. Answer it by talking about missed opportunities. Could you have had better grades, getting you into a better college? Could you have been a better athlete? Made different friends? Did you loose friends? Miss a chance to do something great? Could relationships with your family been better? Did someone you know get hurt by your actions?

The key here is to be ready for this conversation. Because if you are engaging with you daughter you will talk about these things.

Reality Sets In

“I'm ridin' down the highway
In a brand new mini van
Wife and kids screamin'
Ooh God I'm a family man”
-Keb Mo, “Slow Down”

So when did you wake up and realize life was different? Responsibilities. Commitments. Children to feed. Change in Priorities.

It’s not a prison sentence. It’s a blessed life, if you stand up to the challenge. And it will be challenging if you are willing to engage. The reward will be amazing. But if you are passive, a sub par life will drag on until your kids leave the house (or your wife files court papers). Such a sad house that will be.

So, put some curb feelers, fog lights and a racing stripe on that mini-van. Make B.A. Baracus proud. Accept life is different now, and that it can be even better than you imagined. Come up with a plan to save your team and the world. (Though I would not recommend crashing the van through any houses, you’ll need to make a stop at the grocery store later.)

Your Pedestal

ped•es•tal \ˈpe-dəs-təl\ (merriam-webster.com)
1 a: the support or foot of a late classic or neoclassic column b: the base of an upright structure
2: BASE, FOUNDATION
3: a position of esteem


I heard someone say once that you can’t hide on your pedestal forever, because your kids will pull (push or knock) you off.

What that means to me…Be open, honest and vulnerable with your children. Let them know your feelings, your hurts, your happiness, your disappointments and your love.

I’m not talking about cheering when the SEC wins another football championship…(Or sobbing when Ohio State can’t win the big game outside the Big 10.) …But sharing troubles at work, friendship issues, physical pain, disagreements with your wife and how you deal with the other issues life throws at you. I am not saying your girls need full disclosure and gory details. I am sure they can already tell something is wrong. Don’t let their minds wander toward fear. Let them know the truth and how you plan to solve the problem.

A friend told me his stepdaughter, now in her mid 20s cannot tolerate any type of fighting between people. She will actually leave a restaurant if someone a few tables away is having a minor argument. He told me, her biological father never showed his feelings about anything, which now makes her supersensitive to any display of emotion—good or bad.

If you want your daughter to grow up “well adjusted” she needs to know it is OK to cry (except in baseball), to laugh, to love and, yes, even to fail.

Don’t hide your failures from her. Talk about it. Don’t hide it—especially when it comes to parenting. Realize at some point in your role as a father you will have to apologize to her for your actions, reactions and flat out wrong behavior. Put your big-boy pants on and say these words… “I’m sorry.”

Those words could be the best show of humility she will ever see from the man who is trying to teach it. She needs to see you are willing admit what she (and your wife) already knows. She will forgive you.

"Little Miss Magic"

Jimmy Buffet, once you get past the Parrothead-Margaritaville lifestyle, could possibly be one of the greatest story tellers of our time.

I have to admit, I used to sing parts of this along with some of my own lyrics to one of our girls. My wife would always ask me what I was singing to our baby girl in the middle of the night to help her go to sleep. I never would tell her—always said it was a secret. (If she reads this post, I guess she’ll find out.) This song also is the muse for the nickname I gave her, though not intentional.
I doubt our daughter will ever remember me singing to hear in the dark of night. That’s probably a good thing, because I can’t sing. But, I do know she knows I'll be there for her.

“Little Miss Magic”
Constantly amazed by the blades of the fan on the ceiling
The clever little glances she gives me can't help but be appealing
She loves to ride into town with the top down
Feel that warm breeze on her gentle skin
She is my next of kin

Chorus:
I see a little more of me everyday
I catch a little more moustache turning gray
Your mother is the only other woman for me
Little miss magic, what you gonna be?

Sometimes I catch her dreamin and wonder where that little mind meanders
Is she strollin along the shore or cruisin oer the broad savannah
I know someday shell learn to make up her own rhymes
Someday she's gonna learn how to fly
Oh that I wont deny

Chorus:
I catch a little more dialogue comin my way
I see those big brown eyes just start to lookin astray
Your mothers still the only other woman for me
Little miss magic, what you gonna be?

Yes she loves to ride into town with the top down
Feel that warm breeze on her gentle skin
She is my next of kin

Constantly amazed by the blades of the fan on the ceiling
Those clever little looks she gives just can't help but be appealing
I know someday shell learn to make up her own rhymes
One day she's gonna learn how to fly
That I wont deny

Chorus:
I see a little more of me everyday
I feel a little more moustache turning gray
Your mothers still the only other woman for me
Little miss magic, what you gonna be?
Little miss magic, what you gonna be?
Little miss magic, just can't wait to see

Its raining, it's pouring
Your old man is snoring

Books Suggestions 1

So you are a Dad.
Do you really know what to do?
Sure, you can take the example your father laid out for you. Can you figure out what he did right and what he did wrong? The obvious things are easy to understand, but what about those not so obvious characteristics and mannerisms.
My dad didn’t do it right, though he won’t admit it. I didn’t realize that until I became a father. I didn’t know what to do because my example was flawed. Are you man enough to admit that? (forget about not stopping to ask for directions, this is more important).

With that, here are some book suggestions for you.

First, Wild At Heart by John Eldridge. This book will help you ask some very poignant questions about what kind of man you are. After all, how do expect to raise children into adults, if you don’t know that it means to be an adult? To know who you are? Warning, this book has a Christian perspective on life, but it could be the best self awareness book out there for guys. It’s no sissy self examination, but a look at why men are Men and what prevents us from being Men.

Second, Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Meg Meeker. OK daddies, if you have daughters, you need, you must read this book. Like I said in an early post, you are the most influential person in the life of you daughter, especially for her self-esteem. With a strong sense of who she is, she will be able to make the tough choices in life, even when you are not there to protect her. This book will help you be the father you need to be.

Third, His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley This book is for your marriage. How you treat your wife is the greatest example for you daughter in how she will pick a husband. What kind of husband do you want for you little girl? One that will honor, cherish, respect, love and adore her? Than you need to show her how that looks by being that type of husband to your wife. Show your daughter what a good marriage really looks like. (If you are having marriage trouble—get help.)

And if you say you don't like to read...well, that's another post.

Our Responsibility

Peter Parker’s uncle, Benjamin, said it best. Paraphrasing here…Great power must come with great responsibility. Our friendly neighborhood Spider-Man came to understand that.

But so many men don’t—Especially when it comes to raising children.

Yes, women have the great power to recreate our kind in their blessed bellies. But it is us, men, who have the power to grow children into complete beings, helping them reach their full potential—or crush them with our indifference, arrogance, belittling, passivity and abuse.

Fathers have different roles than mothers—both roles are important, building on each other. Take one away and your foundation crumbles like poorly mixed concrete.

We fathers are the number one influence on our daughter's self-esteem. Not mom, not her friends, teachers, bullies, Santa Claus or the boogey man. Us. Fathers.

If you don’t grasp that responsibility—making any needed changes—and father children with that knowledge, there will be no excuses for the teenagers and adults your young daughters grow into.